Damn You All to Hell!

As an avid NBC4 news watcher, I am often informed of free giveaways and specials by newscasts. Weeks ago Doreen Gentzler shared with the public that if you went to Z Burger in Tenleytown and at the register said to the cashier "Shaaazam!" you'd receive a free burger. This information is obviously vital to my survival.

Similarly, I recently learned from a NBC4 broadcast that Dr. Pepper was going to uphold its promise to give a free soda to everyone in America if "Chinese Democracy" was released this year. Weee! Free Dr. P!

Or not.

I was thirsty. I Googled. And sadly, I'm still thirsty.

I found the website to sign up for the coupon (which would be delivered promptly in 4-6 weeks) and this is what showed up on my screen:



Crap. Jibberish. What the fuck?

Bottom line? No free Dr. Pepper...
Sad day, folks. Sad day.

As if

For those of you unfamiliar with Bob's Stores, they are a chain of department stores in the Northeast that "offer great values on the brands of footwear, casualwear and activewear and footwear you want, all in one place, under one roof."

I generally <3 Bob's. Until I received this eBlast.

Two young, attractive Patriots fans would NEVER play catch with a child wearing an Eli Manning jersey. Just wouldn't happen.

Unless of course the man is laughing as the ball is mid air because he about to clock the child with it and the girl is sadistically smiling because the scent of violence is in the air.

Or, Bob's Stores marketing department stumbled on this one.

Or, I'm oversensitive and crazy.

You be the judge.

Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires

Certain people have problems with that fact that signage in the Colorado Rockies portrays Smokey the Bear only wearing pants.

I'll admit, I find his pectoral muscles slightly disturbing. I'm also unsure how a shovel helps Smokey prevent fires. But I'm sure there is a logical, well-thought out reason.

The main issue with Smokey, his pecs and jeans is the implication that Smokey had parts that only jeans can cover. Similar to Donald Duck who typically wears no pants but upon exiting the shower, wears a towel wrapped around his body.

Obviously we can understand that these cartoon characters were modeled after humans. And yes, when Donald gets out of the bath he needs to dry off. We can of course ignore the fact that he has feathers and that ducks spend the majority of their time in water. Letting all of that go, we still have a duck that won't wear pants and a bear with a disturbingly hairy, rugged chest.

Bottom line: Not okay.

Jumpin Jehosaphat!

I have been remiss!

I failed to discuss my encounter with a tonsil stone. For those not familiar with xWong or with Tonsillolith, click here. Since I don't dislike any of my readers, I won't post pictures. Rather, I'll describe The Tonsil Stone Incident.

xWong, being the giver that she is, had been saving up a tonsil stone for our rendezvous in Las Vegas. She made empty promises on night after night until one fateful evening. xWong came out of the bathroom bearing a tonsil stone. Harmless looking until squished.

The smell? To quote others:
"Oh the humanity! What a smell. If you’ve never smooshed and smelled one, they’re like puke and rotten food mixed together."

"They're harmless globs of bacteria, dead cells, food, etc. They smell like rotting sulfer/eggs. They are great fun to play with."

xWong, I love ya but no more squishing of the tonsil stones near me. I can now join the likes of Ron Burgundy in knowing the actual scent of BigFoot's dick.

Creed is that you?

Normally I save musings regarding any bathroom activitiy for conversations with Christina; however, I feel compelled to share this gem with everyone.

I just used the ladies facilities in our office building and was immediately shocked on entering seeing these shoes under a stall door. Really? I mean, seriously?

These shoes are simply not okay. This isn't a hospital, you are not a nurse. You work in an office and really, there are much more attractive, comfort footwear options.

These shoes call into question your gender. And having seen enough episodes of The Office, are you Creed? Happily (sketchily) using the women's bathroom? I really just don't know. And frankly it scares the hell out of me.

Am I paranoid? Undoubtedly.
Are the shoes hideous? Undoubtedly.

When Diet Coke Attacks!

A castle of Diet Coke cans piled higher than Gumby in an office work station?

Not okay.